Growing up, I never felt like I fit in. I still don’t. Every day remains a struggle, with that demon we like to call depression whispering lies into my ear.
“You’re a failure.”
“Nobody likes you.”
“You have nothing interesting to say.”
And on and on … these are some of the tamer lies my demon likes to tell. He can get downright nasty, especially when I let myself stop and listen.
“You are alone” is possibly the most insidious lie that depression demons like to tell. It’s horrific because humans are, first and foremost, social animals. Infants deprived of love have died of it, but it doesn’t end there. We continue to need to feel love and connection throughout our lives.
Yet it is a lie. How can we be alone when so many of our demons are telling us precisely the same thing? That’s the irony – that we are not remotely alone in our feelings of isolation.
Writing, for me, began as an escape. I imagined my way out of loneliness, away from the kids on the playground I watched from a distance, and often into outer space where I was a princess with magical powers. (Yes, I’ve always mixed my genres!) Eventually, the escape itself became its own dream – that of becoming a “successful” author.
What a terrible career choice for someone who needs regular infusions of positive reinforcement! I sit around for days, weeks, even months on end without getting any feedback at all, not even in the form of a paycheck. Yet, when I backed away from writing a couple of years ago, I sank into the worst depression I’ve ever experienced in my life. It didn’t help that when I tried to explain my troubles, the reaction was something along the lines of, “You’ve published seven, almost eight books and you think you’re a failure? Oh my God!”
Sorry. Didn’t mean to step over other people’s far worse problems!
But let’s face it: Again, I’m not alone on this. I am not the only writer who feels the disappointment that can only come from a lifetime of hard work meeting lackluster results. I am not the only writer who struggles with infrequent positive reinforcement intermingled with heartbreaking criticism or downright rejection. And I am not the only writer to lose hope, resulting in a lengthy period of burnout.
It wasn’t until I heard the words, “I don’t consider myself a success” coming from a New York published author with over thirty books that I realized how not alone I really was.
Depression and anxiety (another of my demons) are always lying. And like the worst sorts of lies, they tend to be rooted in a kernel of truth. Overcoming them is a daily challenge that begins with a simple truth:
You are not alone.
About the campaign:
#HoldOnToTheLight is a blog campaign encompassing blog posts by fantasy and science fiction authors around the world in an effort to raise awareness around treatment for depression, suicide prevention, domestic violence intervention, PTSD initiatives, bullying prevention and other mental health-related issues. We believe fandom should be supportive, welcoming and inclusive, in the long tradition of fandom taking care of its own. We encourage readers and fans to seek the help they or their loved ones need without shame or embarrassment.
Please consider donating to or volunteering for organizations dedicated to treatment and prevention such as: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Hope for the Warriors (PTSD), National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), Canadian Mental Health Association, MIND (UK), SANE (UK), BeyondBlue (Australia), To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.
To find out more about #HoldOnToTheLight, find a list of participating authors and blog posts, or reach a media contact, go to http://www.HoldOnToTheLight.com and join us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/WeHoldOnToTheLight